Earlier this week (Beach Walk 647) I was talking about balancing transparency and privacy. We tend to want it in differing amounts depending on the situation and whether we are giving or receiving. The episode stirred a lot of comments, so I thought I would carry on more as it relates to personal relationships. And invariably the topic of codependency comes up!
Hawaiian word:
kāʻokoʻa: independent
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And once again, my belief that what I need in the moment will come my way.
Thank you for saying, Rox, what I already know but needed to be reminded of. I am in Florida at the moment, dealing with some pretty heavy (mom and dad are getting older ) stuff and feeling that co-dependent neediness creeping in. Nothing like a few days with the parents to do that for you! You precisely summed up what I am going through with the actual guy who sent me to this wonderful place and introduced me to you. Talk about irony. I am projecting on him my transparency, expecting that the more open I am, the more open he will become. Quite the opposite, as you stated. He’s feeling the pressure and his retreat is on. I wish I could be walking along the beach with you guys but I’ll go find my own “independent” beach here in Florida and reflect. Thanks for making me smile, as always. Namaste.
@Patrica Anne: …re: your parents – one trick I use is to step back momentarily when things get intense. And that would be just long enough to create a buffer where you get or restore some sense of you, enjoy some room to think and feel, and then regroup.
@Roxanne: I was never married, and came from a family where marriages and relationships never worked. So overcoming that norm was a biggie for me, as was becoming and being 100% emotionally self-sufficient and involved in a loving, long-term relationship.
I loved this podcast. I decided early on that I needed to be independent first, then I can deal with relationships. I have a disability and needed to be able to take care of myself. I’ve lived alone for about 8 years now (I’m 32) and date. But I’m still what I call “happily single”. Now my friends who married right out of high school are telling me they wish they had done what I did.
Thanks for bringing this topic up!
@Patricia Anne – COngratulations! Really, we are here to help remind each other of the things we already know. We’ve got a lot of that happening on The Reef and is something I find very supportive and reassuring.
@Jonnie – sounds like the old adage of “count to 10” – as you know I am not always big on past practices or slogans, but that is one that works – I think of it as “breaking the energy” which is “count to 10” on steroids. Don’t just wait, but in the interim do something pro-active to re-focus.
@Amanda – Your story shows us that once again limitations can create more freedom when they are seen as “what is” instead of just an obstacle. After my second divorce, I had about 7 years of almost no dating. I had some work to do on myself! Luckily I met Shane after that period. 🙂
Hi Roxy,Shane & Lexy,
time for me to leave a comment,because this episode “hit” me at a time when it really concerns my environment .In the last week, 4(!) female friends of mine had a nervous breakdown (a real one with following medical and psychological care).Looking for the reason, it was in each case “him”, their husband/boyfriend. Too easy…
@independence: all af these women had their experiences,relationships,divorces, they are good-looking, successfull in their job,independent…they had inner strength and were ready for a relationship. And then they got hurt and their heart broke and everything else,all rationalism is gone…
@co-dependence: in the episode, you call it “thinking behind the other’s person eye”. I like this expression, because translated in a positive way AND under the assumption that both partners behave in the same way and none gives up his character and his individuality it means “how can I do a favour to my partner and how can I make him happy”.This is not always easy,but being in a 23-years-relationship, in which we both feel more comfortable from day to day, I think this is (combined whith a lot of luck) the recipe for a lasting,happy relationship.
And looking at the photo of your parent’s anniversary you added (congratulations!!!), I would really be interested in their interpretation of the episode, because I think that no individual theory and no psychological therapy will ever produce such a photograph!
I mean, what I really want to say – “relationship” means thinking and feeling not for yourself, but for two. And I think most of us would like to be like your parents on the photo and I am sure that this cannot be achieved by concenrating on independence and avoiding co-independance…Looking forward to a comment!