Transparency in communication and relationships and business and politics is one of those things that is marching forward very quickly in the 21st century. Most people I know are big fans of it in general. I am too, yet I still realize that privacy has its place. And that in general I want other people to be more transparent while I reserve a desire to want to be private. 🙂 That sense of double-standard I find helpful in getting off my case, or someone else’s. It takes courage to be see-through in thoughts and deeds. Together, we can help each other grow stronger.
Hawaiian word:
Aniani: transparent, clear
Pilikino: privacy
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I also struggle with the transparency .vs. privacy issue in personal relationships. I have nothing to hide, and like it that way. Sometimes this is difficult for other people. ‘Too much information’ I hear occasionally, but more importantly, with my partner, I want to be open and share everything. It seems to be to be the best way to really know and understand someone. Yet when I ask questions like ‘So what did you do today?’ I sometimes get ‘well, why do you want to know?’, or something even more ‘back off’ish…
what say ye?
Yes, I know, we should talk about it, and we do, it just seems we’ve not found a workable balance…
Steve
@Steve – you have raised another interesting aspect to this discussion, and dare I say it out loud, described how Secret Cameraman (aka Shane) and I operate. I tend to favor the more open while he, being a Scorpio, finds comfort in privacy, not to mention being a bit intellectually bored with the rehashing of a mundane day.
I realize part of my motivation for the question is not so much the details of his answer but the moments of connecting. As I write, I think that is part of the lure of transparency – accurate or not it conveys a closer feeling between me and the other. And in the case of a personal relationship, maybe there are other ways to accomplish the same goals?
For me it’s about having all the cards on the table- good or bad. Sometimes there are things we do – small things – that maybe we’d rather not admit. So we hide it, make up a white lie, some small thing. no biggie, right? Well, for me it’s the practiced transparency that allows me and my partner to face the small things and accept or change them, so that when the big things come along, we have some practiced tools to get through it… I’m familiar with ‘being private’ – a guy thing – going into the cave. What I’ve found is the more I keep myself in the open, the more quickly whatever it is gets resolved and i move past it… but hey, that’s me.
I have such a problem with this issue. I am such an open book. I’ve recently gone back into the dating world and find that my ability to express my feelings scares the heck out of men. When I meet a more private person I almost get frustrated because I want to know as much about him as I am willing to give. My friends tell me that guys like “mysterious” women. I feel if I act that way I am not being true to myself and therefore not being honest. I like my private time but with the people I’m closest to, I like the complete communication. Any thoughts on this? As far as meeting a possible future partner? Do I NOT be me for the sake of NOT scaring him away? Or do I live by my belief that if it’s meant to be, it will be and it can’t be ruined by me being too transparent??
I am thinking more on these comments. When I first did the episode, I was thinking more about public events and organizations. I think there is pent up demand for open government, etc. I blogged on Bare Feet Studios tonight about how the HillaryClinton.com web site moderates comments and allows the positive ones to be posted. I think this is a big mistake, and it conveys a completely false impression.
@steve On the personal front, I think for committed relationships Steve you have it right – open up on a regular basis and things don’t get out of hand.
@Patricia Anne – In the beginning, I think it is helpful to be a listener, even if that means having the experience of “holding back.” If things develop, you will have plenty of time to catch up. I used to be a “spill your guts” kind of person, and it does seem inappropriate now in retrospect. I now prefer to practice, “make ’em beg” and am getting much better results. Hopefully you have a friend or two with whom you can share all kinds of juicy stuff.
@Patricia Ann – I SO RELATE to what you’re saying, only I FIND IT EVEN MORESO with women. After all, in this culture, I think women are typically more open then men. So I meet these women that ‘say’ they want a man who is open, but when I AM, it freaks them out. I, too have gone back and forth about how and when to open up. Do I just be open and let that filter out the ones who can’t handle it, or do I throttle it and see how it goes? The only disadvantage with the throttle approach is you go along throttling (and being frustrated along the way) only to find out they can’t or won’t handle it – then it’s back to square one… AHHHH!!! I’ve actually decided to hang up dating for a while, just because of this… well, and a few other things, but…
Well, I can relate, Patricia, I can relate.
Steve, I can’t imagine what someone is thinking when a caring person asks “how was your day?” and they reply with “WHY do you want to know??” It’s nice to know you can relate but it makes me sad too, that I can’t meet that guy who wants to open up and you can’t seem to meet the woman who can handle it. I find even in the work place that when I speak openly I’m being told “TMI”. Who gets to decide that? I too, have hang up the dating thing, trusting in the Universe to send me the right partner. Do you think if I sit and wait patiently (without speaking at all) he might show up?
I also find this world of emailing is dangerous for a such wordy woman as myself. The writer and dreamer in me can overwhelm another with what I have to say. It’s been almost comical and a predictable “game” to see how long it takes these men on dating sites who profess to WANT ALL THAT to disappear once I start giving it. Throttling…good way to describe it. I’m throttled out! NAMASTE