Monday seems like a good time to discuss one of the ways energy gets moved around between/among people, since Monday’s tend to have a lot of “incomings” – messages, requests, complaints, etc.
I use a little phrase (when I remember!), to slow things down and help me regain my footings.
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Hawaiian word:
Loaʻa mai: receive
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I like the question “Why do you ask?”, however it flips some people into ‘argue mode’. I’ve tried “Let me think about this and I’ll get back to you.” too. Sometimes that freaks people out because they hear that they are not getting an instant response and might think they’re being blown off.
So who gets the most accommodation; the person who first asks or the person trying to answer? Or can both get the same level? Is this really an “I am the boss of you.†situation?
I have been hyper-detailed and hyper-accommodating (and would need more info if I’m to provide the best response) – but these behaviors have made me miserable too. I get tossed between fighting to do the very best job and making people happy, which pushes “And why am I doing this?†to the back of the line. So I can end up feeling a little used and abused, when in fact I painted myself right into the corner in the first place.
Things that make you go “Hmmmm…”. 😉
Aloha Monday and mahalo for another great ep!
@Jonnie – your observations are apt I think. Sometimes, it gets down to “the energy” or the tone in which the question is posed. I find if I can be genuinely open-hearted and curious, then the other person can feel that and will be more inclined to provide the added information necessary to sway me into action on their behalf.
If they are uncooperative or bossy for no good reason? Simply leaves me less inclined.
Maybe we will get some comments from those folks who are natural deflectors, who have to work hard at actually letting others’ requests/opinions weigh in?? It’s two sides of a coin, and people tend to lean one way or the other, whether consciously or unconsciously.
love that…had to watch the show twice to fully understand it… why? because I receive EVERYTHING… and then later stop and go, oh wait, but…. but by that time its too late and I’m left with the small empty feeling that I have sold myself out in favor of taking care of the other guy…
so..
why do you ask???!!!
I find that always asking a question to an initial question allows me to stay on the proactive side of the fence and buys more time to formulate my own thoughts, pacing the conversation and deciding what I choose to bring to the table…or not. Rox has a great point that it comes down to the type of energy being used. Humor me as I try a little example of such tactics with an imaginary conversation between Rox and sister, Judy:
“Can you give Barbara the air mattress in the hall instead?”
“Are you saying Barbara wants the air mattress, Judy?”
“No, it won’t work for me.”
“It won’t work for you? Wow – that’s so sad to hear; we really wanted you to come and join us in all the aloha family fun! If you promise not to drive when here, we’ll see if something else can be worked out, although with 15 people to fit in, it may get pretty interesting before we’re all through. Oh wait, I have an idea!”
“What’s that, Rox?”
“Did you want to call and offer Barbara use of the air mattress instead of her sleeping in the Wa’a Lele outrigger?”