Beach Walk 650 – Co/In/Inter/Dependency

Earlier this week (Beach Walk 647) I was talking about balancing transparency and privacy. We tend to want it in differing amounts depending on the situation and whether we are giving or receiving. The episode stirred a lot of comments, so I thought I would carry on more as it relates to personal relationships. And invariably the topic of codependency comes up!

Hawaiian word:
kāʻokoʻa: independent

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Comments

  1. Patricia Anne says:

    And once again, my belief that what I need in the moment will come my way.
    Thank you for saying, Rox, what I already know but needed to be reminded of. I am in Florida at the moment, dealing with some pretty heavy (mom and dad are getting older ) stuff and feeling that co-dependent neediness creeping in. Nothing like a few days with the parents to do that for you! You precisely summed up what I am going through with the actual guy who sent me to this wonderful place and introduced me to you. Talk about irony. I am projecting on him my transparency, expecting that the more open I am, the more open he will become. Quite the opposite, as you stated. He’s feeling the pressure and his retreat is on. I wish I could be walking along the beach with you guys but I’ll go find my own “independent” beach here in Florida and reflect. Thanks for making me smile, as always. Namaste.

  2. @Patrica Anne: …re: your parents – one trick I use is to step back momentarily when things get intense. And that would be just long enough to create a buffer where you get or restore some sense of you, enjoy some room to think and feel, and then regroup.

    @Roxanne: I was never married, and came from a family where marriages and relationships never worked. So overcoming that norm was a biggie for me, as was becoming and being 100% emotionally self-sufficient and involved in a loving, long-term relationship.

  3. I loved this podcast. I decided early on that I needed to be independent first, then I can deal with relationships. I have a disability and needed to be able to take care of myself. I’ve lived alone for about 8 years now (I’m 32) and date. But I’m still what I call “happily single”. Now my friends who married right out of high school are telling me they wish they had done what I did.

    Thanks for bringing this topic up!

  4. @Patricia Anne – COngratulations! Really, we are here to help remind each other of the things we already know. We’ve got a lot of that happening on The Reef and is something I find very supportive and reassuring.

    @Jonnie – sounds like the old adage of “count to 10” – as you know I am not always big on past practices or slogans, but that is one that works – I think of it as “breaking the energy” which is “count to 10” on steroids. Don’t just wait, but in the interim do something pro-active to re-focus.

    @Amanda – Your story shows us that once again limitations can create more freedom when they are seen as “what is” instead of just an obstacle. After my second divorce, I had about 7 years of almost no dating. I had some work to do on myself! Luckily I met Shane after that period. 🙂

  5. Hi Roxy,Shane & Lexy,
    time for me to leave a comment,because this episode “hit” me at a time when it really concerns my environment .In the last week, 4(!) female friends of mine had a nervous breakdown (a real one with following medical and psychological care).Looking for the reason, it was in each case “him”, their husband/boyfriend. Too easy…
    @independence: all af these women had their experiences,relationships,divorces, they are good-looking, successfull in their job,independent…they had inner strength and were ready for a relationship. And then they got hurt and their heart broke and everything else,all rationalism is gone…
    @co-dependence: in the episode, you call it “thinking behind the other’s person eye”. I like this expression, because translated in a positive way AND under the assumption that both partners behave in the same way and none gives up his character and his individuality it means “how can I do a favour to my partner and how can I make him happy”.This is not always easy,but being in a 23-years-relationship, in which we both feel more comfortable from day to day, I think this is (combined whith a lot of luck) the recipe for a lasting,happy relationship.
    And looking at the photo of your parent’s anniversary you added (congratulations!!!), I would really be interested in their interpretation of the episode, because I think that no individual theory and no psychological therapy will ever produce such a photograph!

  6. I mean, what I really want to say – “relationship” means thinking and feeling not for yourself, but for two. And I think most of us would like to be like your parents on the photo and I am sure that this cannot be achieved by concenrating on independence and avoiding co-independance…Looking forward to a comment!